Lord, come close.

It is a humbling reality that the presence of our Lord does not always feel present. 

It is so easy to look around at our situations and circumstances and be convinced that there has GOT to be more. 

That you missed the bus that God Himself was driving. 

When you reach your end, and cry out, and only hear the echo of your desperate voice. 

When you feel that you can’t go on. 

That your identity has been lost. 

That you have lost yourself because it feels as if you have lost Him. 

That your love for your God has been dimmed. 

That His love for you has been compromised. 

Lord, do you still love me?

Do you still see me? 

Are you sick of me yet? 

Have you moved on...on to someone who has it all together...who is more faithful...more holy...someone who prays more and feels closer to you...? 

When your heart and soul cry out to see more of His face, even just a glimpse, and yet your flesh cries out for something else. And you can’t seem to shut it up. 

When you can’t stand the stench of your own sin and selfishness and it seems to overpower His precious mercy.  

When it feels like such a struggle just to connect. 

Lord, I am truly poor in Spirit. Poor. In. My. Spirit. I have nothing to give to you except my messy life. For what its worth- ITS ALL YOURS. 

I find you in the place I am.

I find you when I’m at my end.

I find you when theres nothing left of me to offer you, except for brokenness. 

You lift me up. 

You never leave me thirsty. 

When I am weak, when I am lost and searching. 

I find you on my knees. 

God, I will trust you. I will trust what you say. I choose to trust you Father. 

I AM close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in spirit. Blessed are YOU who are poor in spirit, for Yours is the kingdom of heaven.

...And surely I AM with you always, to the very end of the age. My daughter, I know when you sit and when you rise; 

I perceive your thoughts from afar.

 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 

Before a word is on your tongue I know it completely. 

 You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. 

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 

Where can you go from my Spirit? Where can you flee from my presence?  If you go up to the heavens, I am there; if you make your bed in the depths, I are there.  If you rise on the wings of the dawn, if you settle on the far side of the sea,  even there my hand will guide you, my right hand will hold you fast. 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. You gave me a name and called me by it. You established my life and knew it all from the beginning. 

Your works are wonderful, Lord, I know that full well. 

Yes! All the days ordained for YOU were written in my book before one of them came to be. 

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! Even just to know that you think of me, still. You know when I go to sleep at night and you are there, with me. 

And when you awake, I am still with you. 

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

This is the TRUE cry of my heart. 

Thank You Lord, for never leaving me. 

Lillian Grace Rodgers has landed.

On the night of August 30, 2012, Lillian Grace was born at 8:15 pm by C-section. She weighed 3 pounds and 15 oz of PURE LOVE. She was born at 33 weeks and 5 days gestation due to complications caused by preeclampsia.

We are filled with JOY!!

Our precious child,

My precious little child,

Every night I think about you, and who you are now, so fragile and tiny, and who you will become, and  and how much I love you already, and I am overwhelmed with tears. I have never felt this way about such a little beautiful, perfect, growing mystery! Such a mystery you are to your Daddy and me!  Sometimes I forget that you are even in there, growing away in your own world, tucked away in my womb, surrounded by warmth and peace and safe as can be. The world outside of there is quite busy. Traffic is terrible, people walking and talking everywhere, lots of harm that I already think about how I can protect you from. And yet the world outside, here, is also beautiful, majestic, mysterious and oh so big! It can be easy to get caught up in the business and troubles of this life, but when you ask God to see the world the way He sees it, and His people the way that He sees them, it will change EVERYTHING! Baby, I wonder how God will use your tiny life, and I also thank Him for using your life even now, as you are just the size of a dainty apple!! Many people love you already and can’t wait to meet you! You are fearfully and wonderfully made, little one! I haven’t felt you move inside me yet, but I do listen to your tiny fluttering heartbeat all the time. Then sometimes I think I feel you move, but then I just think its mommy’s tummy rumbling. Little baby, I love you so much already it hurts. I can’t imagine how I can love you anymore and I haven’t even met you yet!! My heart has grown big in a new way for mommies and babies, born and unborn. 

Your Daddy talks about you all the time and kisses my belly where you live. He sings songs to you and loves to watch my tummy get bigger! He reads all about your development each week and smiles from ear to ear when he says, “hey babe!! Today our pumpkin is 4 inches long, open and closes his/her tiny fingers and toes, and is sensitive to light!” He is so proud of you already! You grow like a champ!  Keep growing away in the safety of my womb. I will love you always little one and when the day comes for you to leave your world in there and join us out here for the great adventures of life outside the womb, we will welcome you will open arms!!! 

We love you much!!!!                        This is you with your tiny little toothpick legs straight up in the air!

Mommy 

Our Safe Nest

As most of you already know, Colby and I will be expecting our VERY FIRST little bundle of joy this October!!!! We are thrilled and are already SO in love with this little precious growing baby of ours. What a gift. It has been so long since I last blogged! Maybe thats because our life right now has been MORE than crazy. Yet, there is this peace that has been leading the way. It has been the light at the end of a swirling tunnel. As long as we keep our eyes set on the light, we are grounded and peaceful. To be honest, the season that we are in, has left me clueless, and for more then one reason, Im ok with that. Our first home, our little apartment on Fashion Park St, is no longer the place we reside! After some dark sketchy things going on in our neighborhood (car break-ins, gangs, and drug dealer neighbors)...(yes, we lived in the ghetto) and my nights left sleepless and fear stricken when Colby is away, I cried out to the Lord and prayed long and hard about where to raise this little growing child of ours. 

 I was left feeling afraid to even walk to my car at night (20 feet away from our home). On top of the fear I was SO SICK this first trimester, that I felt completely weak and defenseless if anything were to happen. I know the Lord was our protection, but the fear of having to defend myself and our unborn child if Colby was working was too much to bare. The thoughts of fear were consuming me. Rebuking the devil, praying over the house, and reading scriptures out loud didn’t make the fear leave either. This wasn’t attack, it was a wake up call to MOVE OUR BOOTIES OUT! Ok Lord, we get it! 

How often the Lord must shake His head and with a smirk say, “FINALLY!” :) 

So what was our next move? We know we are called to the mission field, but where? When? While Pregnant? Well long story short, The Lord has been talking to Colby about finishing paramedic school, and with him in school he wont be able to work and my paycheck alone can not support our family. Ok, so now what Lord? We need to save money, raise a family and still have the opportunity for Colby to go to school. Not long after this glimpse of a vision came to us, we were given the invitation to move into his parents home. They have a huge beautiful extra bonus room with a balcony, french doors and lots of space! We were flooded with peace and said, “how does next week sound?!” Not even kidding, I packed a small bag with the essentials and nestled into this  new cozy safe next. 

I received a word during prayer from someone and she said this:

“I see you as a baby bird, crying out for your needs, and then the Lord swooped down and scooped you up in his hands and placed you in a safe nest.”

She couldn’t have been more dead on. During this pregnancy, this move, this everything, I have never needed the Lord more. I have clung onto His every word during this season. I have had no choice but to praise Him while I hugged the toilet every couple of hours. No where to run but into His arms when the overwhelming feeling of fear, sickness and blind walking set in. Even to the point where I was so sick, home alone while Colby was at work, couldn't get out of bed and I would cry out for Him to feed me. And His spirit would feed me. I would get a little bit of energy to crawl to the kitchen open up the cabinet (which the kitchen smell would normally send me into a vomiting frenzy) and take out a few saltine crackers to eat. Then I would crawl back in bed and praise Him. He has been my everything. He is my strong tower and hiding place. My place of refuge and strength. I Don't even wanna know the shape I would be in if I didn't have my Lord!! Im sure we can all say that....ha. 
Now He has heard my hearts cry and placed me in a nest where all of my needs are met. This is a safe nest. What a brilliantly compassionate God we have. So gentle and strong. And quick to answer our prayers. He care about EVERY LITTLE DETAIL. 

So, right now we are still in the middle of moving our belongings, little by little into our new home. The word of the Lord has been for us in this season, to “give away all our belongs and come and follow Me.” So thats what we have been doing. Moving and downsizing. Not sure why, what or when, but I know He is preparing us for something. Lord we will blindly follow You, wherever You lead!  

“And call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.” (Psalm 50:15)

This picture is from our trip to Big Bear to get away. I was so sick, but the fresh crisp air and gorgeous snow covered mountains helped A LOT! 

Sweet TINY Emily!

Baby Emily 

5 lbs 81/2 oz. 18 in long, head 12 1/2 cm, chest 12 cm. Born on Monday, January 16, 2012- 1:51 pm 

9 am - It was my day off, Martin Luther King’s day and I was sound asleep, sleeping in, when Anne called me at 9 am to say that our expecting mother's water had broken and that her contractions were about 5 mins apart. I laid back down for 10 more seconds, closed my eyes, and then the reality of what she has just said, hit me! I was an hour and a half away and her contractions were 5 mins apart!!!! I shot up, took the pups out to pee, brushed my teeth and was out the door! 

11 am- I arrived at 11 am to their wonderfully old fashioned, romantic, rustic home. With children’s scribbling all over the walls, flower pots and religious art everywhere, and an LOVELY light yellow baby nursery. This home was so dreamy. Anyway, I arrived to Anne telling me that she was just 4 cm. A few hours later, I checked her and found; 8 cm stretchy to 9, 80% effaced, -1 station. SROM, cx 4-6 mins apart. She labored beautifully, her husband at her side. Only problem was, the bb girl was not low enough and asynclitic. We had her change positions  and by 1:45pm she was wanting to push! She squatted on the side of the bed and pushed a few times and bbs HT dropped to 118. We gave her O2 and they quickly recovered. 

About 30 mins later she said, “I have to go to the bathroom”, so I followed her, holding the O2 tank. She sat on the toilet, had a few cx and about 2 mins later, said...

“she is coming!!!” I jumped in the bathroom with her and put my hands underneath her bottom to catch the bb in the toilet. Anne came in and said, “get her on the floor”. I was a little disappointed! I thought this was going to be my first toilet bb!! Anyway, we got her onto the floor and I was ready with my hands underneath her as she squatted on the bathroom floor. One push, I felt the bbs head emerging. HEAD OUT! Then one more push at 1:51 pm and BABY OUT! She was the SMALLEST thing I have ever seen in my life. 5 lbs, 8oz and so so tiny! I feel that she was possibly IUGR. The placenta was just as small, as was the umbilical cord. Interesting considering that this mama and husband were both LARGE people; tall and big boned. Anyway it was all in all a wonderful birth!! PRAISE YOU LORD, thank you so much for allowing me to be the first to lay hands on your precious new child. I feel so undeserving Lord. All the Glory and praise to you, Father!! 

 Baby Emily, nursing right away!

OPAH!! The Greek Baby.

Born on January 6th, 2012, to a beautiful mother. She is bubbly and easy going and so sweet! It was a warm thursday night and I had just gotten home from a long day of prenatals with Anne. Full of bellies, heartbeats, urine sticks, and measuring tape...I was glad to be home but excitingly anticipating the birth of Demetria's baby. Anne called me around 9 pm and said that Demetria's contractions were 8 mins apart, but because she lived quite far from me, I should get going soon. I drove and drove and drove down to Rancho Cucomonga where this baby was to be born. 

Then I received the DREADFUL text, “baby born 3 mins ago.” Oh no! I missed her arrival! 

Well, I arrived to the house about 10 mins later and I walked in the door and up the stairs to find beautiful Demetria laying in bed with her new 8 lb baby GIRL in her arms! Her husband lay beside her, beaming but tired. She looked radiant, not a hair out of place and all smiles. The whole house was quiet and calm and little baby Zeela was busy nursing away. Thankfully, my preceptor midwife has arrived before me to make sure that everything went well. About 30 mins later, I checked her perineum and she had a nice tear, so I sutured her up, using catcut sutures. It was a fine suturing job, and before I knew it, it was finished. She looked wonderfully back to normal. 

A few minutes later, the dad, to now 3 children, took his newest addition over to the sink to bath her. It was the most precious sight I ever saw. She sat in the sink, held and protected by his hands as he gently washed her down with warm water and a wash cloth. She cried for a second, then realized that she loved every minute of it. 

Did I mention that this family was VERY GREEK? Both mom and dad, full Greek and along with baby Zeela, they had two other children named, Zenobia and Zacharias. Such an adorable Greek family! We left only 2 hours after the birth and I was home before midnight! Thank You God for this family and for allowing me to watch such an amazing bond between a father and his daughter. And thank you Lord for baby Zeela!