I have this journal that I have been writing in for the last 6 months (ionically around the time that Lily was born) that is labeled...
“Go Into ALL the World”
‘A mission Journal’
and on the back it has a stamp that says, “Mementos, TRAVEL, and keepsake.”
And to be honest, I bought this thinking, I will start writing in it, when God tells us WHERE to go on our next mission. And that is EXACTLY what happened.
And at the top of every page in the first half of the journal it has a space provided to write in and it says...
“ PREPARING MY HEART”
The second half of the journal has the same thing at the top but it says,
“MAXIMIZING THE MISSION.”
But I had not paid much attention to this space at the top at all, in fact I would just write whatever it was, in one sentence, what God was doing THAT DAY.
Ok...so the point of all of this....
Around the time that Lily was born, I was struggling a TON with living in someone else’s house. We are living with Colby’s parents, who have been NOTHING but kind, generous, loving, helpful and patient with us and we are FOREVR thankful for them!!! But... it is STILL difficult. It is difficult not being able to have a good yelling match with your husband when you are trying to express to him how you truly feel, without feeling judged (not that they have judged us by any means, but you know what I mean) or wanting to fall into his arms and have a SUPER needed good and messy cry, without anyone thinking your depressed. OR walking around the house in your underwear, without even batting an eye, or even jumping in the shower with your husband to quickly wash the baby, yourself and have some help all at the same time, without making anyone uncomfortable, or leaving the dishes from dinner in the sink till the next day cause all you want to do after a full belly is plop yourself into bed with your hubby and pass out, without looking lazy....or raiding the fridge after being up all night feeding the baby and waking up STARVING, without looking like a nursing hog with no self-control...
You catch my drift?
All the real things we do in the privacy of our own homes without even thinking about it. The nasty sides of our sweet personalities that seem to come out in the comfort and safety of our own walls. Where we can BEAR/BARE it all.
It was just MY own fear of being judged or maybe even desperately trying to prove (mostly to myself) that we SORTA kinda have our stuff together instead of looking like a couple of emotional, incapable young parents who have NO idea what they are doing and are trying to do this all on their own. But we all know that that never works for long....we ALL need MERCY at some point!
So with a heavy heart and quivering lips I apologize....
Me: “I am so so sorry for how emotional and moody I have been. I hope you don’t think its directed at you, cause its not. You have just seen every side of me. Good, bad and ugly and I am sorry about the bad and ugly. I wish I could hide when I am in a bad mood or super tired, or arguing with Colbs about something stupid...and I wish I could help more around the house, but I am so busy that its hard for me to clean up anything other then baby diapers and spit up and Im sorry sometimes I leave our dishes in the sink, I will work on that and make sure the kitchen is spotless after we cook, Im sorry about Tiko’s poop in the backyard, I will have Colby pick it up today, and I am sorry for the dirty laundry spilling out of our baskets....thank you for being so understanding and patient with us, You guys have done SO much for us and I am sorry if we have ever disappointed you guys or if you have felt unappreciated...and I am sorry for....and.......” on and on and on.
My mother-in-law: “What are you talking about...? What are you sorry for?! You don’t need to be sorry about anything! You guys are great parents and you are trying your best! I don’t think twice about any of that stuff. Its ok. I understand. I see the things you DO help with and I understand the mood swings, TRUST ME, I have been there too! So knock it off and quit worrying!! If I didn’t have a cleaning person to help me after I had my boys, you would NOT BELIEVE what my house would have looked like!!..and DID the days she didn’t show up!! haha! ”
I unexpectedly laugh, trying to fight back the tears, so I wouldn’t be laughing and crying at the same time. And then a sigh of relief and love and mercy washes over me.
....and then I cry and hug her and realize all over again that this is how God sees us. This conversation sounds all too familiar.... He understands. He sees our good, bad and ugly and EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN, and in spite of it all, He chooses to focus on our GOOD. He covers our weakness, washes away any condemnation and then makes us laugh! His joy is our strength!.......and then I realize that maybe I do judge myself a little too harshly.....so I receive His precious, gentle forgiveness and mercy that I need everyday and His new Grace that He offered right then and there and at ANY moment we ask for it..and once again...I let it go...because I know that He already has. In fact, He let it go a LONG time ago.
And He lovingly wipes away the discouraged tears and says, “My sweet One, what a beautiful mother you are! Do not be dismayed or down casted, you are not a mess but a brilliant masterpiece to Me!” And He kisses my cheek and restores my strength just in time for when the baby wakes up.
‘What a beautiful God You are. Thank You Jesus.’ I think as I pick up my still half-asleep, toothless smiling 6 month old sweet baby girl.
So back to the journal. Just a few days ago, I was writing in my journal and opened up to the very last page for some reason and saw the words “My Travels”, and thought to myself, ‘by the time I am finished with this journal, I will have not traveled anywhere!’ Then I STOPPED. All of a sudden I had these flashbacks of my life since the time I wrote my first journal entry in August.
.....We traveled from our old apartment to this new home... gave away most of our belongings in Faith.... ... met God in a WHOLE new way during my stay in hospital in the midst of fear and the unknown, clinging to him..... gave birth to a beautiful baby girl prematurely....c-section, which expanded my ENTIRE understanding of birth and women....experienced Grace like never before while traveling back and forth to the NICU to visit our baby... have been taught patience and contentment while living with our in-laws. He has brought love to a new depth through Lillian. He has drawn us closer to His heart in our marriage and family.....He is teaching me a selfless love through being a mother.....He is establishing our family.....He is taking care of some things in the past that are unwanted and have been hanging around....We have been blessed to witness many many teenagers and young adults give their hearts and souls to Jesus....we have walked with many other young parents and encouraged one another through this journey.... I could go on and on about our TRAVELS.
So during the PREPARING MY HEART section of the journal, The Lord was preparing my heart to see life this way. All my journal entries where about being unsure of where God was, what was He doing, where is He taking us...little did I know, He was preparing my heart.
Let me just add too, the Colby had been telling me this stuff all along. But I didn’t have the ears to hear it.
This is OUR MISSION. To love and live and serve...RIGHT. WHERE. WE. ARE.
MAXIMIZING my DAILY MISSION:
So when God says...
- “LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR”
Love and serve my husband more then myself.
Love and serve my in-laws right here.
- “CLOTHE THE NAKED”
Change Lily’s stinky diapers, bath her and dress her with shameless, overflowing love.
- “FEED THE HUNGRY”
Feed Lily her sweet potatoes, carrots, peas and prunes with Mercy, Humility, Love and Gentleness.
Stop and feed the homeless woman I see in Villa Park, around my own neighborhood everyday.
- “GIVE DRINK TO THE THIRSTY”
Make Lily her bottle with Thankfulness and feed it to her with Patience.
- “SERVE ONE ANOTHER”
Clean up the dishes with Dignity, Purity and Praise.
“How do you clean dishes with dignity, purity and praise???” we ask.
Its ALL about the intention of the heart.
- “DEFEND THE DEFENSELESS”
Hold, cradle and protect Lily with comfort, affection, and strength.
Do whatever I can to protect the unborn whenever I can, (even if its just through facebook) with Courage.
- “ BEAR ONE ANOTHER’S BURDENS”
Help carry in groceries with gratitude. Grab Colby a clean towel after the shower when he forgets to grab one (again) with Patience. ( I guess this could also be, clothe the naked. HA!)
And until THIS MISSION is through here, HERE is where we will stay, until God moves us to our next Mission.
You see, its many small missions within one BIG MISSION. Which is... this life.
