MAXIMIZING THE MISSION

 I have this journal that I have been writing in for the last 6 months (ionically around the time that Lily was born) that is labeled...

 “Go Into ALL the World” 

 ‘A mission Journal’ 

and on the back it has a stamp that says, “Mementos, TRAVEL, and keepsake.” 

And to be honest, I bought this thinking, I will start writing in it, when God tells us WHERE to go on our next mission. And that is EXACTLY what happened.

And at the top of every page in the first half of the journal it has a space provided to write in and it says...

 “ PREPARING MY HEART” 

The second half of the journal has the same thing at the top but it says, 

“MAXIMIZING THE MISSION.”

But I had not paid much attention to this space at the top at all, in fact I would just write whatever it was, in one sentence, what God was doing THAT DAY. 

Ok...so the point of all of this....

Around the time that Lily was born, I was struggling a TON with living in someone else’s house. We are living with Colby’s parents, who have been NOTHING but kind, generous, loving, helpful and patient with us and we are FOREVR thankful for them!!! But... it is STILL difficult. It is difficult not being able to have a good yelling match with your husband when you are trying to express to him how you truly feel, without feeling judged (not that they have judged us by any means, but you know what I mean) or wanting to fall into his arms and have a SUPER needed good and messy cry, without anyone thinking your depressed. OR walking around the house in your underwear, without even batting an eye, or even jumping in the shower with your husband to quickly wash the baby, yourself and have some help all at the same time, without making anyone uncomfortable, or leaving the dishes from dinner in the sink till the next day cause all you want to do after a full belly is plop yourself into bed with your hubby and pass out, without looking lazy....or raiding the fridge after being up all night feeding the baby and waking up STARVING, without looking like a nursing hog with no self-control...

 You catch my drift?

All the real things we do in the privacy of our own homes without even thinking about it. The nasty sides of our sweet personalities that seem to come out in the comfort and safety of our own walls. Where we can BEAR/BARE it all. 

It was just MY own fear of being judged or maybe even desperately trying to prove (mostly to myself) that we SORTA kinda have our stuff together instead of looking like a couple of emotional, incapable young parents who have NO idea what they are doing and are trying to do this all on their own. But we all know that that never works for long....we ALL need MERCY at some point! 

So with a heavy heart and quivering lips I apologize....

Me: “I am so so sorry for how emotional and moody I have been. I hope you don’t think its directed at you, cause its not. You have just seen every side of me. Good, bad and ugly and I am sorry about the  bad and ugly. I wish I could hide when I am in a bad mood or super tired, or arguing with Colbs about something stupid...and I wish I could help more around the house, but I am so busy that its hard for me to clean up anything other then baby diapers and spit up and Im sorry sometimes I leave our dishes in the sink, I will work on that and make sure the kitchen is spotless after we cook, Im sorry about Tiko’s poop in the backyard, I will have Colby pick it up today, and I am sorry for the dirty laundry spilling out of our baskets....thank you for being so understanding and patient with us, You guys have done SO much for us and I am sorry if we have ever disappointed you guys or if you have felt unappreciated...and I am sorry for....and.......” on and on and on. 

My mother-in-law: “What are you talking about...? What are you sorry for?! You don’t need to be sorry about anything! You guys are great parents and you are trying your best! I don’t think twice about any of that stuff. Its ok. I understand. I see the things you DO help with and I understand the mood swings, TRUST ME, I have been there too! So knock it off and quit worrying!! If I didn’t have a cleaning person to help me after I had my boys, you would NOT BELIEVE what my house would have looked like!!..and DID the days she didn’t show up!! haha! ” 

I unexpectedly laugh, trying to fight back the tears, so I wouldn’t be laughing and crying at the same time. And then a sigh of relief and love and mercy washes over me. 

....and then I cry and hug her and realize all over again that this is how God sees us. This conversation sounds all too familiar.... He understands. He sees our good, bad and ugly and EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN, and in spite of it all, He chooses to focus on our GOOD. He covers our weakness, washes away any condemnation and then makes us laugh! His joy is our strength!.......and then I realize that maybe I do judge myself a little too harshly.....so I receive His precious, gentle forgiveness and mercy that I need everyday and His new Grace that He offered right then and there and at ANY moment we ask for it..and once again...I let it go...because I know that He already has. In fact, He let it go a LONG time ago. 

And He lovingly wipes away the discouraged tears and says, “My sweet One, what a beautiful mother you are! Do not be dismayed or down casted, you are not a mess but a brilliant masterpiece to Me!”  And He kisses my cheek and restores my strength just in time for when the baby wakes up. 

‘What a beautiful God You are. Thank You Jesus.’ I think as I pick up my still half-asleep, toothless smiling 6 month old sweet baby girl. 

So back to the journal. Just a few days ago, I was writing in my journal and opened up to the very last page for some reason and saw the words “My Travels”, and thought to myself, ‘by the time I am finished with this journal, I will have not traveled anywhere!’ Then I STOPPED. All of a sudden I had these flashbacks of my life since the time I wrote my first journal entry in August. 

.....We traveled from our old apartment to this new home... gave away most of our belongings in Faith.... ... met God in a WHOLE new way during my stay in hospital in the midst of fear and the unknown, clinging to him..... gave birth to a beautiful baby girl prematurely....c-section, which expanded my ENTIRE understanding of birth and women....experienced Grace like never before while traveling back and forth to the NICU to visit our baby... have been taught patience and contentment while living with our in-laws. He has brought love to a new depth through Lillian. He has drawn us closer to His heart in our marriage and family.....He is teaching me a selfless love through being a mother.....He is establishing our family.....He is taking care of some things in the past that are unwanted and have been hanging around....We have been blessed to witness many many teenagers and young adults give their hearts and souls to Jesus....we have walked with many other young parents and encouraged one another through this journey.... I could go on and on about our TRAVELS. 

So during the PREPARING MY HEART section of the journal, The Lord was preparing my heart to see life this way. All my journal entries where about being unsure of where God was, what was He doing, where is He taking us...little did I know, He was preparing my heart. 

Let me just add too, the Colby had been telling me this stuff all along. But I didn’t have the ears to hear it. 

This is OUR MISSION. To love and live and serve...RIGHT. WHERE. WE. ARE. 

MAXIMIZING my DAILY MISSION:

So when God says...

• “LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR”

Love and serve my husband more then myself. 

Love and serve my in-laws right here. 

• “CLOTHE THE NAKED”

Change Lily’s stinky diapers, bath her and dress her with shameless, overflowing love.

• “FEED THE HUNGRY”

Feed Lily her sweet potatoes, carrots, peas and prunes with Mercy, Humility, Love and Gentleness.  

Stop and feed the homeless woman I see in Villa Park, around my own neighborhood everyday. 

• “GIVE DRINK TO THE THIRSTY”

Make Lily her bottle with Thankfulness and feed it to her with Patience. 

- “SERVE ONE ANOTHER” 

Clean up the dishes with Dignity, Purity and Praise. 

“How do you clean dishes with dignity, purity and praise???” we ask. 

Its ALL about the intention of the heart. 

- “DEFEND THE DEFENSELESS”

Hold, cradle and protect Lily with comfort, affection, and strength. 

Do whatever I can to protect the unborn whenever I can, (even if its just through facebook) with Courage. 

• “ BEAR ONE ANOTHER’S BURDENS”

Help carry in groceries with gratitude. Grab Colby a clean towel after the shower when he forgets to grab one (again) with Patience. ( I guess this could also be, clothe the naked. HA!)

And until THIS MISSION is through here, HERE is where we will stay, until God moves us to our next Mission. 

You see, its many small missions within one BIG MISSION. Which is... this life.   

Do it with L-O-V-E.

Hi friends!!
Well, there is not much happening in the Rodger's residence outside of warm milk, diapers and baby coos. And I have to say that I am truly enjoying every moment of it. How blessed I have been as a mother to spend 6 months home with my sweet little girl, Lily. Colby and I have been soaking up this time with her. She is such a sweet little love bug. She loves to talk and coo and is just starting to giggle! It kills me!! So cute! She is also very sensitive. Loves to look you in the eyes and LOVES to take long warm baths and snuggle. She is doing so well and growing by the second it feels like. She is now 4 months old and weighs 11 pounds! And to think she was born at just 3 pounds! 4 months old!?!?!? Where did the time go??? So strange....
Soon I will be going back to work just a few days a week and thankfully, only half days.
Motherhood is the best. Its the most emotionally RAW experience I have ever been through and this is only the beginning. The love I feel for my child is scary. Scary in the sense that I love her so deeply that I NEVER want anything to ever hurt her. Im sure all mamas can agree with this. I can't even handle when she gets her shots! A part of me knows that that is the reality of life, she will bump her head, she will scrape her knees, she will face-plant every once and a while as she tries to take her first steps...and then Im sure a few more times after that...and I will do my very best to catch her every time she looses her balance. She will go through ups and downs, heartbreaks and break-ups....and I will be there as a shoulder to cry on, hopefully some guidance and wisdom and to always remind her how beautiful she is and her great worth in God's eyes. Her Daddy and I will be there when friends come and go, days go by, her curiosity arises, and her independence expands.
We will be there to watch her play, watch her laugh and watch her grow and blossom into the beautiful creation that God has called into life inside of her. She is a gift. A gift from God, as every child is, and we will do our best to protect and love and raise her up in a way that honors our Lord.
Its crazy to think how overly easy it feels to mess up as parents, I sometimes just feel like a kid myself, and in the midst of trying to be a perfect mom, giving her everything she needs/wants, I am reminded of the best advice anyone has ever given me as a new mom....

"what matters the most is not how you did things, but that you did it with LOVE."

Per our conversation, she was actually talking to me about formula feeding and breast feeding because I was expressing my sadness for not being able to breast feed Lily due to prematurity. And this was her response.....I have resorted back to this, SO many times.

I know Im going to screw up as a mom, I probably already have in a few ways, but Im choosing to not look at motherhood from that outlook, Im choosing to do everything, to the best of my ability, out of LOVE. The most important thing, is that Lily knows that her Daddy and I LOVE her. And even more important than that, is that God loves her beyond measure.

Lord, come close.

It is a humbling reality that the presence of our Lord does not always feel present. 

It is so easy to look around at our situations and circumstances and be convinced that there has GOT to be more. 

That you missed the bus that God Himself was driving. 

When you reach your end, and cry out, and only hear the echo of your desperate voice. 

When you feel that you can’t go on. 

That your identity has been lost. 

That you have lost yourself because it feels as if you have lost Him. 

That your love for your God has been dimmed. 

That His love for you has been compromised. 

Lord, do you still love me?

Do you still see me? 

Are you sick of me yet? 

Have you moved on...on to someone who has it all together...who is more faithful...more holy...someone who prays more and feels closer to you...? 

When your heart and soul cry out to see more of His face, even just a glimpse, and yet your flesh cries out for something else. And you can’t seem to shut it up. 

When you can’t stand the stench of your own sin and selfishness and it seems to overpower His precious mercy.  

When it feels like such a struggle just to connect. 

Lord, I am truly poor in Spirit. Poor. In. My. Spirit. I have nothing to give to you except my messy life. For what its worth- ITS ALL YOURS. 

I find you in the place I am.

I find you when I’m at my end.

I find you when theres nothing left of me to offer you, except for brokenness. 

You lift me up. 

You never leave me thirsty. 

When I am weak, when I am lost and searching. 

I find you on my knees. 

God, I will trust you. I will trust what you say. I choose to trust you Father. 

I AM close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in spirit. Blessed are YOU who are poor in spirit, for Yours is the kingdom of heaven.

...And surely I AM with you always, to the very end of the age. My daughter, I know when you sit and when you rise; 

I perceive your thoughts from afar.

 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 

Before a word is on your tongue I know it completely. 

 You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. 

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 

Where can you go from my Spirit? Where can you flee from my presence?  If you go up to the heavens, I am there; if you make your bed in the depths, I are there.  If you rise on the wings of the dawn, if you settle on the far side of the sea,  even there my hand will guide you, my right hand will hold you fast. 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. You gave me a name and called me by it. You established my life and knew it all from the beginning. 

Your works are wonderful, Lord, I know that full well. 

Yes! All the days ordained for YOU were written in my book before one of them came to be. 

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! Even just to know that you think of me, still. You know when I go to sleep at night and you are there, with me. 

And when you awake, I am still with you. 

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

This is the TRUE cry of my heart. 

Thank You Lord, for never leaving me. 

Lillian Grace Rodgers has landed.

On the night of August 30, 2012, Lillian Grace was born at 8:15 pm by C-section. She weighed 3 pounds and 15 oz of PURE LOVE. She was born at 33 weeks and 5 days gestation due to complications caused by preeclampsia.

We are filled with JOY!!

Our precious child,

My precious little child,

Every night I think about you, and who you are now, so fragile and tiny, and who you will become, and  and how much I love you already, and I am overwhelmed with tears. I have never felt this way about such a little beautiful, perfect, growing mystery! Such a mystery you are to your Daddy and me!  Sometimes I forget that you are even in there, growing away in your own world, tucked away in my womb, surrounded by warmth and peace and safe as can be. The world outside of there is quite busy. Traffic is terrible, people walking and talking everywhere, lots of harm that I already think about how I can protect you from. And yet the world outside, here, is also beautiful, majestic, mysterious and oh so big! It can be easy to get caught up in the business and troubles of this life, but when you ask God to see the world the way He sees it, and His people the way that He sees them, it will change EVERYTHING! Baby, I wonder how God will use your tiny life, and I also thank Him for using your life even now, as you are just the size of a dainty apple!! Many people love you already and can’t wait to meet you! You are fearfully and wonderfully made, little one! I haven’t felt you move inside me yet, but I do listen to your tiny fluttering heartbeat all the time. Then sometimes I think I feel you move, but then I just think its mommy’s tummy rumbling. Little baby, I love you so much already it hurts. I can’t imagine how I can love you anymore and I haven’t even met you yet!! My heart has grown big in a new way for mommies and babies, born and unborn. 

Your Daddy talks about you all the time and kisses my belly where you live. He sings songs to you and loves to watch my tummy get bigger! He reads all about your development each week and smiles from ear to ear when he says, “hey babe!! Today our pumpkin is 4 inches long, open and closes his/her tiny fingers and toes, and is sensitive to light!” He is so proud of you already! You grow like a champ!  Keep growing away in the safety of my womb. I will love you always little one and when the day comes for you to leave your world in there and join us out here for the great adventures of life outside the womb, we will welcome you will open arms!!! 

We love you much!!!!                        This is you with your tiny little toothpick legs straight up in the air!

Mommy 

Our Safe Nest

As most of you already know, Colby and I will be expecting our VERY FIRST little bundle of joy this October!!!! We are thrilled and are already SO in love with this little precious growing baby of ours. What a gift. It has been so long since I last blogged! Maybe thats because our life right now has been MORE than crazy. Yet, there is this peace that has been leading the way. It has been the light at the end of a swirling tunnel. As long as we keep our eyes set on the light, we are grounded and peaceful. To be honest, the season that we are in, has left me clueless, and for more then one reason, Im ok with that. Our first home, our little apartment on Fashion Park St, is no longer the place we reside! After some dark sketchy things going on in our neighborhood (car break-ins, gangs, and drug dealer neighbors)...(yes, we lived in the ghetto) and my nights left sleepless and fear stricken when Colby is away, I cried out to the Lord and prayed long and hard about where to raise this little growing child of ours. 

 I was left feeling afraid to even walk to my car at night (20 feet away from our home). On top of the fear I was SO SICK this first trimester, that I felt completely weak and defenseless if anything were to happen. I know the Lord was our protection, but the fear of having to defend myself and our unborn child if Colby was working was too much to bare. The thoughts of fear were consuming me. Rebuking the devil, praying over the house, and reading scriptures out loud didn’t make the fear leave either. This wasn’t attack, it was a wake up call to MOVE OUR BOOTIES OUT! Ok Lord, we get it! 

How often the Lord must shake His head and with a smirk say, “FINALLY!” :) 

So what was our next move? We know we are called to the mission field, but where? When? While Pregnant? Well long story short, The Lord has been talking to Colby about finishing paramedic school, and with him in school he wont be able to work and my paycheck alone can not support our family. Ok, so now what Lord? We need to save money, raise a family and still have the opportunity for Colby to go to school. Not long after this glimpse of a vision came to us, we were given the invitation to move into his parents home. They have a huge beautiful extra bonus room with a balcony, french doors and lots of space! We were flooded with peace and said, “how does next week sound?!” Not even kidding, I packed a small bag with the essentials and nestled into this  new cozy safe next. 

I received a word during prayer from someone and she said this:

“I see you as a baby bird, crying out for your needs, and then the Lord swooped down and scooped you up in his hands and placed you in a safe nest.”

She couldn’t have been more dead on. During this pregnancy, this move, this everything, I have never needed the Lord more. I have clung onto His every word during this season. I have had no choice but to praise Him while I hugged the toilet every couple of hours. No where to run but into His arms when the overwhelming feeling of fear, sickness and blind walking set in. Even to the point where I was so sick, home alone while Colby was at work, couldn't get out of bed and I would cry out for Him to feed me. And His spirit would feed me. I would get a little bit of energy to crawl to the kitchen open up the cabinet (which the kitchen smell would normally send me into a vomiting frenzy) and take out a few saltine crackers to eat. Then I would crawl back in bed and praise Him. He has been my everything. He is my strong tower and hiding place. My place of refuge and strength. I Don't even wanna know the shape I would be in if I didn't have my Lord!! Im sure we can all say that....ha. 
Now He has heard my hearts cry and placed me in a nest where all of my needs are met. This is a safe nest. What a brilliantly compassionate God we have. So gentle and strong. And quick to answer our prayers. He care about EVERY LITTLE DETAIL. 

So, right now we are still in the middle of moving our belongings, little by little into our new home. The word of the Lord has been for us in this season, to “give away all our belongs and come and follow Me.” So thats what we have been doing. Moving and downsizing. Not sure why, what or when, but I know He is preparing us for something. Lord we will blindly follow You, wherever You lead!  

“And call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.” (Psalm 50:15)

This picture is from our trip to Big Bear to get away. I was so sick, but the fresh crisp air and gorgeous snow covered mountains helped A LOT! 

Sweet TINY Emily!

Baby Emily 

5 lbs 81/2 oz. 18 in long, head 12 1/2 cm, chest 12 cm. Born on Monday, January 16, 2012- 1:51 pm 

9 am - It was my day off, Martin Luther King’s day and I was sound asleep, sleeping in, when Anne called me at 9 am to say that our expecting mother's water had broken and that her contractions were about 5 mins apart. I laid back down for 10 more seconds, closed my eyes, and then the reality of what she has just said, hit me! I was an hour and a half away and her contractions were 5 mins apart!!!! I shot up, took the pups out to pee, brushed my teeth and was out the door! 

11 am- I arrived at 11 am to their wonderfully old fashioned, romantic, rustic home. With children’s scribbling all over the walls, flower pots and religious art everywhere, and an LOVELY light yellow baby nursery. This home was so dreamy. Anyway, I arrived to Anne telling me that she was just 4 cm. A few hours later, I checked her and found; 8 cm stretchy to 9, 80% effaced, -1 station. SROM, cx 4-6 mins apart. She labored beautifully, her husband at her side. Only problem was, the bb girl was not low enough and asynclitic. We had her change positions  and by 1:45pm she was wanting to push! She squatted on the side of the bed and pushed a few times and bbs HT dropped to 118. We gave her O2 and they quickly recovered. 

About 30 mins later she said, “I have to go to the bathroom”, so I followed her, holding the O2 tank. She sat on the toilet, had a few cx and about 2 mins later, said...

“she is coming!!!” I jumped in the bathroom with her and put my hands underneath her bottom to catch the bb in the toilet. Anne came in and said, “get her on the floor”. I was a little disappointed! I thought this was going to be my first toilet bb!! Anyway, we got her onto the floor and I was ready with my hands underneath her as she squatted on the bathroom floor. One push, I felt the bbs head emerging. HEAD OUT! Then one more push at 1:51 pm and BABY OUT! She was the SMALLEST thing I have ever seen in my life. 5 lbs, 8oz and so so tiny! I feel that she was possibly IUGR. The placenta was just as small, as was the umbilical cord. Interesting considering that this mama and husband were both LARGE people; tall and big boned. Anyway it was all in all a wonderful birth!! PRAISE YOU LORD, thank you so much for allowing me to be the first to lay hands on your precious new child. I feel so undeserving Lord. All the Glory and praise to you, Father!! 

 Baby Emily, nursing right away!