Where Do I begin??

MAAYONG UDTO!!
Thank you so much to all who have supported me and are continuing to support and pray for me! No words could ever describe how blessed I feel! I have been showered with nothing but love the last month and I will never forget it. I know that even when I do feel alone, I am not alone, but the Body of Christ is one! We have eachother to lean on, to cry on, to laugh with and rejoice with. The love is overwhelming! Know how much I love you all and I will try my best to keep you updated with pictures and journal entries. Well here I am Lord! Living in Davao City in the beautiful Philippines.A place I never thought I would be living for two years, if you asked me 4 years ago! I should know by now that you are a God of surprises, just when I think Im going left, you tell me to right, flip a u-turn and drive off the cliff.

The journey here...well lets just say, that it has completely thrown every single one of my expectations out the window. I never knew the trials and tribulations and heartbreak that I was walking into...and yet... I have been set free. My heart has been healed in the breaking, and the Lord has become greater in the trials and tribulations. makes alot of sense right?!? haha. Im not sure if it has really hit me yet. I see my flesh and it is crying out for something other then this, this is painful, and yet I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am where the Lord has put me. I left the man I love. I left the family and friends I know and love. And it hurts. But I know that Jesus's joy comes in the morning. I know that his mercy and grace is enough. It covers my mistakes, my short commings and failures. And He gets to be God once again. He has brought me to a valley...
This has been the hardest, lonliest, most challenging, painful time in my life. I feel my flesh being seperated from my spirit. I can feel my heart breaking in pieces and in places I never knew could break. I feel at times that I have no hope, no freedom, no more love, no more life inside me. Dry, and broken before God. The God that created the very girl that sits and weeps at His feet hungary for Him, needing Him, dying without Him. I know it sounds crazy, haha but I had NO IDEA what I was in for! I am dying right now. really and truly there is a death taking place. BUT I know that there will be a resurection!! and I hope soon! haha. cause it hurts! I didnt know when Jesus said, "You must take up your cross my daughter and follow me..." that he litteraly meant a cross! I can feel my cross, its big and has splinters and sits heavy. I see my flesh and sin hanging down from it, sometimes dangling right above my head. To where its all I can see. But I know that He is able, He is faithful to complete this work in me. I know that this pain wont last forever. I cry most of the day everyday. Cry with laughter, with joy, with grief and grieving being away from everyone I know and love, cry with the pain of dying to my flesh and what I really want, with compassion for the people, with lonliness and with no other reason then to cry and cry hard!

This really has been so so so so hard. haha I dont know what else to say! I can either tell the Lord that its too painful and go home to the man I love, to the family I love and be comfortable again and continue with the same prayer "Lord, I want to serve you and give you everything" Or I can embrace the pain, run with it, cry with it and let the Lord strip me, day by day, hour by hour, minute by mintue and let him make me into a servent. Embrace the lonliness and stop running from it and let Him find me in it. My biggest fear, biggest fear biggest FEAR..is to be alone. And here I am, in a valley and the thing I fear the most has come. My heart rejoices, only for the fact that He is working in me. working and working and yet I tremble trying to grasp on to the girls with me and yet, they slip through my fingers. No one is left but Him. Me and Him. Him and I. dancing in the valley of bones. My head on His chest, my feet on his feet, slow dancing. as I cry and tell him why I am afraid to be alone. and then I realize, that I am not alone forever, but in this season it is needed. so that I come to know our God. Our God that led His people into the dessert only to set himself up to be glorified. only to take care of them and provide for them. only so they would come to need Him with every fiber of their being. Only to be our food and water and shelter. He is my only food, water and shelter here. I am naked and broken and thirsty and hungry, and yet...here He is....haha doing a work in me I never thought possible.
I never thought possible. ever. never. No one told me it would hurt like this haha! I had no idea!! but yet my soul is filled with a knowing, not even peace or joy yet...but a KNOWING. That I KNOW Jesus. I know my God. HE is GOOD. HE is FAITHFUL. HE is HOLY and STEADFAST. HE is GENTLE. HE does not condemn. He does not leave us in the valley forever. He forgives and forgets. HE lOVES even the worst and ugliest and weakest of us! I KNOW these things. Even when I can not fathom them. cant even recall why or how I know them, Yet... I KNOW. He is JESUS. HE is the one that takes us and carries us to the Father, and lays us at the alter when we cant walk. JESUS. JESUS. He is the answer to it all...all...everything. All our needs as humans.
We are such desperate people. We need Him.

There is so much need here. So much. mostly spiritual. I see people walking around, living without a clue of who the one that loves them is. It kills me. I have never seen such a hunger in poeple. they want Jesus. I want Jesus. We all have no where to turn but up. Up to Him. to fix our eyes on HIM.
He is at work! To say the least! My heart rejoices in the pain because I know He will get all the Glory. He will get all the praise and His name will be above all other names. JESUS.