My first Delivery! Baby Boy!

I was in the clinic at 10am on day shift. She walked in, young, smiling, pregnant and pleasantly active in labor! Glory was her name. She’s 18 years old and 40 weeks/ 6 days pregnant with her first child. She was having mild contractions lasting 50 seconds every 3 mins. I did my first IE (internal examination) on her and she was 8cm dilated, 90% effaced, 0 station, with a very posterior cervix. I could feel the BOW (bag of waters) buldging with each contraction, ready to break at any moment. I could feel the babies sutures from 9-3 o’clock. She breathed beautiful through her contractions while the babies heart beat stayed normal and consistent (136, 140, 130). Before I could take her vitals one last time, Glory wanted to push!! I had her lay down on the bed and checked to see where she was, and boom! Babies head and hair was visible! I threw on my gloves and we breathed and pushed together. We got her on the birth stool because she had a low pubic bone and this helped open up her pelvis. Her bana (husband) got behind her and supported her while she pushed. He was young, terrified out of his mind and shook more then she did. He kept looking at me while she would scream like “Ma’m is this normal?!?” haha! I kept reassuring him that this was all very normal, and to keep breathing! After a few pushes on the birth stool, the babies heart tones dropped dramatically. From 140’s to 80, 90, 70, 68! So while she pushed I rubbed the top of the babies head to stimulate him and at the same time applied perineal pressure so she would not tear. Right before the baby’s head was crowning, I moved her back into supine position on the bed where she pushed the baby’s head out nice and slowly…no tear!!J I checked for nuchal cord, and there was none! The baby natural restituted to the left, then I helped guide his tiny shoulders all the way out, gently maneuvering him up and down until all 5 lbs, 11oz of him was born!! A tiny new baby boy! Aw the glory of new life! He came out blue and floppy with mild caput on the crown of his head. He was not crying yet. After a few seconds of stimulation, a wonderful wailing cry burst forth from his lungs!! Praise you Lord! We gave him free flow oxygen and placed him on his mamas tummy, where she met him face to face with wide eyes in amazement of this tiny new life that was growing in her for 40 weeks and now she was seeing him!! He was a little small and malnourished looking, after assessing and examining him, we realized that he was an IUGR/SGA baby, but none the less healthy and adorable! All in all it was a beautiful birth! Thank you Lord!!

He Loves with an OUTRAGEOUS LOVE!

Kayla, Julie and I were sitting on the wall of the pier at Magsaysay Park one afternoon, dangling our feet over the edge of the water and talking pictures of some little kids playing in the water when this man approached me and asked us if we would be interested in buying any of his jewelry. He was selling a few pieces of jewelry, not much, just some pearl necklaces and earrings and some copper and silver bracelets. I wasn’t really interested in buying anything and said no thank you and then asked “Unsa imong naglan?” “what is your name?” to the man, and he told me “Salamat” which means thank you in Visayan! I saw something in his face, some little bit of hope rising up in him and it was so evident that the Holy Spirit was starting to speak. The man had the face of a servant, a gentle hearted servant and Jesus’ love was all over him. He was old, with deep wrinkles and missing teeth, and yet so beautiful and precious to the Lord. He looked as if he had lived a long, hard life, but did the best with what he was been given. He looked hungry and tired. I didn’t know his story of where he came from but I knew that he had to know that God loves him with an outrageous love. I really didn’t want to buy anything, I was running out of money and time and nothing of his really stood out to me, but it was so evident the desperation in his eyes. At this point, it wasn’t about the jewelry, or money, it was about love and something more, and he knew it, he knew we had something else that he wanted….not money…but, JESUS, the Name above all Names….JESUS!
So…after he half-heartedly talked me into buying a pair of pearls earrings and a few bracelets I asked him “Magampo ka?” if we could pray for him? He said “yes! Yes!” As if he had been waiting for it! Expecting it! So, laying a hand on his shoulder, he closed his eyes and the Spirit of God came down upon him…like a wave…it washed over him and Jesus touched him…. His love came pouring out, almost knocking the both of us over! And we stood there for a minute, basking in the Lord’s peace and in awe of what just happened. I opened my eyes to see what was happening. Salamat had his eyes closed and his hands open down by his waist. He looked like a little child, deep wrinkled and weary and yet like a little child, waiting to receive what his Papa God had to give him, and realizing at the same time that he deserved nothing. After a few more minutes, the man looked up and smiled and he had such light in his eyes!! He thanked us again and walked away, not sure what to do with what just happened! Haha! A few minutes later, we where piled back on the jeepney (bus) waiting to take off back home when the man came up to the window behind us and got our attention. I turned around and through the window, he handed me a pair of pearl earrings, beautiful pearl earrings, probably his best set, and he shook his hands as to pay him nothing in return. He was smiling ear to ear and wanting nothing in return for them! To him, the Lord had just changed his life, changed him by showing him His love for him, and Salamat knew he would never be the same. And even though he didn’t have much, just a few pieces of jewelry, yet he wanted to give back to the Lord his finest pair as a thank you to Him. He had NOTHING to give back to God and yet it was EVERYTHING! The man walked away, knowing he was loved. All of us drove home in the back of the jeepney in awe of Salamat’s gratefulness to the Lord. No wonder his name means ’Thank You!” Oh how the Lord delighted in this man! What an outrageously loving God we have!!!

I miss my monkey!

I love you Colby! I miss you!

Baby Boy Rike Lelouch....Assist number 7!! Baby number #22!

Is was around 12:15pm and I was sleeping deeply on night shift. It was quiet and still in the birth room. All the lights were out and only the light of the moon coming in through the windows, filled the birth room, giving all the empty beds a warm glow. All the midwives were asleep, and I remember thinking before I fell asleep, “this is going to be a good night! I’m feeling good Lord, so anytime you are ready, bring on the babies!”….then I rolled over and passed out.
The gate opened and a beautiful pregnant mama (G3/P2) named Maria Angela came in fully dilated and ready to push! Within a matter of seconds...every midwife had jumped off the bamboo couches, flipped on the lights and led her to the birth bed. Except for me...the assist...who apparently hasn't mastered the skill of keeping "one eye open" in the birth room! I was still happily sound asleep, probably drooling and dreaming of only Lord knows what, while the midwives where running past me, grabbing supplies and every time calling louder, "Tiara! Miss Tiara! wake up! wake up!" It wasn't until I heard "BOW (bag of waters) 2 cm visible without pushing." That I woke up in an instant, ran over to the counter, threw on gloves and threw open the curtain, just making it in time as the baby boy's body came sliding out! His mom yelled “Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus!!” As he came out! Haha, I bet she was so thankful that it was over! Half asleep, I grabbed a towel and bulb suction and wiped away the membranes from his face and dried his tiny new body, then suctioned his mouth and nose a few times to remove any mucous and membranes that could constrict his small airways. He was a beautiful baby boy! Looking around at everyone the second he opened his brown eyes. I gave him APGARS of 8 (-1 for color/-1 for muscle tone) and 9 (-1 for color) as he was a little cyanotic until about 6 minutes after birth. It wasn’t until after I had clamped the cord and the bana had cut it, that I looked down and realized that I had NO shoes on! I forgot to put them on in the hustle of the whole situation! Haha. Omg! The Lord really does call us to things that are beyond us! Haha!
Jane, the midwife who caught baby Rike, and I did a head to toe newborn exam and took his footprints. He weighed 6lbs 6oz and was incredibly aware of everything going on around him and was so attentive to us examining and palpating his little body. He had slight molding along his sagittal sutures (overlapping of his parietal bones during birth from pressure and pushing, which is very normal), and he was 48cm long! A short little guy! Wide eyed and awake, he talked to us through the entire exam! He was so so so cute!! I couldn’t get enough of him! His mama laughed as he made funny cooing noises and looked over at her every time she would call his name. He knew her voice! All in all it was an amazing birth and I must say it was SO worth waking up to! :)

I have gotten to assist with four births already! They were simple, beautifully normal births and so rad! I got to give APGAR scores and do vitals on baby right away, bulb suction baby, and finally feel important in there, haha. Things have been really good, just studying a lot and being with the people here. The Lord is breaking my heart more and more for them. He loves them so much.
I went running this morning early by myself to the market and I ran by a lot of people sitting on the road, so dirty, so broken, begging for food, and all I could do was smile at them but I wanted so badly to tell them that I loved them. That Jesus loves them and so do I. That I cared and I wanted to sit in the dirt with them and visit with them, but I couldn’t, I just kept running by. I just kept running.....I couldn’t stop, I know if I did, I would not leave. I don’t even know why I didn’t, but I didn’t. what good does a smile do? they are hurting so bad, they need love, hugs, someone to listen to them. that SOMEONE loves them, anyone. anyone at all. another humans company. any human contact, connection, love, anything! they are not trash, they are beloved children of the Living God! Christ died for their sins too, they get to have life abundantly too! they get to inherit His kingdom too! He has not overlooked them. even though everyone else does, even myself, everyone that just keeps jogging by....and jogging, and never stopping, afraid that they might get dirty or sick or whatever.

I don’t want to run by anymore, I don’t want to. there was this woman, sitting outside the catholic church that I go to, she was on the ground and I saw her talking to herself and rocking back and forth, in her own world, super dirty, filthy, sitting on a piece of wet cardboard, her clothes all stained and torn, her hair was all matted and gross. she looked whacked out of her mind, really and truly insane. I passed by her and she looked up at me, her eyes so desperate for someone. I made eye contact with her and smiled and said mayyao buntag! good morning! and she looked at me, she snapped out of it, someone made a connection with her, and she stopped rocking, stopped talking to herself, and she became human with another human for that tiny moment. she was waiting for the next thing, more talking, maybe I would stop and visit, maybe something. And, then I just kept running....and I didn’t look back...and I could feel her eyes looking at me, hungry for love, attention, anything! and I kept running....... it must hurt the Lord so much. so much. The next time, I will stop.

I know the Lord is doing so much right now in all of our lives, it seriously blows me away. He is so faithful. He is our strength and refuge. I really don’t know what I would do without Him, I can not live or breath or move or have my being, none of us can.
There is supposed to be another huge monsoon hitting here again, please pray for families and their homes. There is so much desperation here and the Love of Jesus is here, even stronger just waiting to be received. He is waiting with His whole heart open and exposed to His people here. I think they are so humble and have such a fear of the Lord that they don’t know how to come to Him, fearing that He is mad at them for their sin and brokenness, they are ashamed, and so He comes to them, He walks over to them and embraces them....their sin and all. and they fall in love with Him.

The other morning, like around 6am Kayla, Jenna and I went running and ran to the open market to take fruit home with us. In the market, we were completely overwhelmed with begging little kids. The kids had scabs and open sores all over them, missing hair, no shoes, snotty, and big bloated bellies and were touching us and reaching for the food we just bought telling us "humto ka! humto ka!" I am hungry! I am hungry! They were water gypsy kids and their moms would stand back and tell to go beg the white people. There were people crowding in on us from every direction asking for food and to touch them, it was making me physically sick, it was so overwhelming and we felt like we couldn’t breath....and I asked the Lord, "what Lord? what do I do with this? you love your people, let me love them right now. they are desperate" Then we began to lay hands on them and pray for them and the spirit of the Lord took over...they did not see us anymore.....is was Jesus in the flesh and spirit...they got to meet Him, some for the first time. We didn’t even have to speak, He did all the talking….it was silent and yet you could see Him speaking to their hearts. Our hands became His, our faces.. His face. We disappeared completely. It was so beautiful to see the Lord respond to their needs...He came, and filled them.
He reminds me everyday why we are here....He keeps us on our toes!! haha. actually, I don’t know what I am talking about, He knocks me on my butt everyday! Awww! I love following Him, through it all, the pain and blindness, its all worth it, to see even ONE PERSON be touched and changed by the living God!
I’m going with Julie, my housemate to a Muslim village soon to do some prenatal check ups on some Muslim women. We have to dress really covered up, long sleeves, long skirts… to not stand out, even though they know we are Christians, they don’t like Christians and wont let them in their village but because we are midwives and they call us "doktoras" they let us in. I know the Lord is preparing the way ahead of us...I can feel it, His spirit doing things already, preparing hearts already. I cant wait to see what the Lord is up to in this village with these people that he loves so deeply.

A baby with no name and a nucal cord X3!!

My first continuity patient birth! Midwife Joy and I had her for a few prenatals and then got to deliver her gorgeous little baby boy! It was really funny, the mama named Julie, pronounced "July" was so sweet and talkative. When she first came in, at around 12:30pm, I got a text from Joy to come on over to the clinic, so I came and she was 8cm dilated, 70% effaced and wasnt too active at this point. Once she wanted to start pushing, we said ok, and she gave one little push with her next contraction and said "is it over? Is baby out now? " haha. We said "uh, not quite!" Not more then 20 mins later, baby boy was crowing, then head out, then all 6lbs. and 14oz, came flying out! He had a nucal cord, wrapped around his neck twice and once around his arm and back, pinning his arm against his back. He was a little acrosynosis at birth because of lack of oxygen, but did so well! and recovered pretty fast, crying really strong and loud. APGAR scores of 7 and 9. He was making his mama laugh so hard at the noises he was making! He sounded like a pigglet and talked so much, even while bathing him, he was cooing and sighing and talking! so so cute. He looked exactly like his papa, who couldnt be there for the birth because he had to leave to go to work, but he came back after we had moved her to post-partum and he just stared at his baby boy and smiled...for a long time, falling in love with him. Before sending them home, Joy and I prayed for them and the Lord poured out so much on them, I could see Him lifting them up into His love, covering them, giving them peace and rest....He is so faithful and loving. It still leaves me in awe....why He allows us to be a part of His love people and miracle of life, I dont think I will ever fully understand...it runs so deep, so much love, so much mercy and passion for His people. GOD is GOOD!

Sept 7, 2009
Its about 1:30am here, I got off birth shift around 10pm and have been talking to the girls and my supervisor midwife Carmen all night. We have been studying like crazy and have been completely consumed with birth. Tonight we studied outside in the heat of the night by only candle lights and the sound of crickets. Things have been crazy to say the least. We have our first exam on Wednesday and have so much information to cram into our brains it physically feels impossible! But I know its not, I can feel the Lord making room! haha. Tonight all of us midwives got to vent and cry with each other. After studying, we sat and ate bananas with peanut butter and drank buko juice, and talked about the struggles and hardships that come along with this calling, one that is so hard to express to people looking in. But also the joy and depth of love that seems to pour out of a part of our hearts that we had never recognized before. Why the Lord would entrust us with his people? Two lives at one time even! It leaves us speechless and completely convinced that we are not qualified enough nor strong enough emotionally to take on such a calling. Yet, we are. And we are in it for good whether we think so or not! haha. He is our strength. He is our hope. He is what sustains us and these woman and their babies. He’s just choosing to use our hands and teach us how to do it. My supervisor midwife, Carmen is incredible. I have learned more from her then she knows. She is patient with me, yet firm. She keeps me in line and has taken me under her wing. She is 24 years old and has been a midwife for only four years, and every midwife here will tell you that she is by FAR the best. She has delivered almost 200 babies and can hold her ground! She wears a scarf in her hair at all times, never a stitch of makeup, and is naturally beautiful. She grew up on a farm and milked cows her entire life up until a few years ago. She is strong-willed, yet reasonable, and comforting but also honest. She has challenged me a lot to keep growing and seeking the Lord and to never give in when I feel weak, but to cry, brush off, and keep moving forward! She knows who she is in the Lord and will not let anyone take that away from her. Watching her delivery babies leaves me in awe. every time. Her gentleness. Her confidence and wisdom, I just try to absorb it all before the moment is over and we are on to the next thing. I have learned so much from her and can only hope that I will be half the midwife that she is. She told me tonight about a time when she told the Lord that being a midwife is too much responsibility and that she was going to give it up and go back to the farm. It was about 3 years ago when a woman had walked into the clinic only 23 weeks along and pushing actively. Carmen had no choice but to throw some gloves on and catch this tiny baby. So she did. It fell into her cupped hands and didn’t move. He was limp and pale and lifeless. She held him for a while. She gave him to his mother and she walked out of the clinic and cried. The Lord told her "Carmen, I will never give you too much that it will destroy you. Follow me, still". And she has. Even after seeing such hard things, experiencing life and death to the fullest, she has continued to walk on and follow the Lord with all that she is. She is my teacher for the next two years and I am so blessed by that!
Today, my shift started at 2pm and I walked in the birth clinic with a laboring mom who was fully dilated with her babies head 3cm visible! She was a first time mom and looked faint and weak at this point. So I took a seat on the bed next to the midwife on duty. She is a Filipina Midwife and her name is Atte Elsa. She carries this peace with her like I have never seen before. The woman had been pushing for about 6 hours at this point, in active labor, and the head still remained in the same place, so discerning whether or not to transport her was not an option, we had to. But before we did, the midwife endorsed her to us, the new midwives who had just come on and so normally when we are endorsed patients, we pray first before the new shift comes on. So, having to pray we started praying for her that the baby would descend all the way so she would not have to be transported. The baby dropped all the way the she was crowing within 10min! It was amazing to see the Lord work so fast. She delivered a beautifully pink baby girl! The first baby girl that I have gotten to witness being born here! The first three have all been boys. She named her Ayiesha which means, "rejoice in life"! She was so perfect. Healthy heart tones, breathing, reflexes, everything! And the Mother recovered amazingly well. For being so exhausted from pushing so long she was a fighter and didn’t stop until her first child was out to safety! This birth I got to do much more then I had anticipated. I took all the vitals, charted fetal heart tones during a critical time of the mother pushing, and helped bathe the baby! It is really fun, cause after a while, we encourage the mom to get up and try to use the Ihee or peepee, they call it. And while they are going to the bathroom and being moved to postpartum unit, I get to baby-sit! I cuddled and held her for as long as I could, I loved it!
We also had two transports tonight. One woman came in pushing at 36 weeks gestation, which is pre-term (anything under 37wks) and her contractions were right on top of each other, so we loaded her into the back of the ambulance and took her right away. she was a strong woman, really young, like 21, and didn’t show one ounce of fear, and text messaged the entire way to the hospital, stopping everyone and a while to let out a short breath during the peak of a contraction. really funny actually. We also transported another young woman who had ruptured bag of waters but was not making any progress. She also was young, but I could see the fear in her eyes. She didn’t want to be transported and I don’t blame her, the hospitals here are the LAST place you want to end up. It resembles death to a lot of them. You might as well be taking them to a morgue. We don’t transfer here often, but for some reason every time I am on shift, we have been transporting a lot! makes me wonder sometimes...anyway :)
Things have been moving along, and fast too! I’m learning more then I can keep up with and sometimes I don’t even know when the mental capacity of my brain will go into overload shock and I will go brain dead! haha. But I’m loving it. I can not put into the words how much of an experience this has been already. It goes deeper then deep and this is only the beginning.
Its all for the glory of the Lord and if I do go brain dead, I know He will STILL receive all the Glory!

I am living in Davao City now with fifteen other young women, split up into two houses next door to each other. The women are all amazing and we immediately become like family after only a few days of getting to know each other. All of them come from different walks of life and have absolutely incredible stories of what the Lord has done in their lives and their hearts in order to get them to the Philippines. From South Africa, to Switzerland and California to Idaho…different languages…cultures and callings, and yet we all have one thing in common; we desire to be heart-felt, well-educated, rural living, independent, confident, freely-loving midwives! Ready to serve the Lord at every moment, and take on the world one baby at a time!!
The weather is so hot and so humid and sticky and tropical! It rains and pours and thunderstorms almost every night. It is wild! Dancing in the rain has become a nightly ritual and after studying for 6 hours straight, it fills us up and cools us down!!
The clinic that we work in and study at is called Mercy Maternity Center and is next door to our home. The windows next to our beds are directly across from the clinics birthing rooms, so we get to fall asleep to the sound of laboring Filipina woman every night and wake up to the screaming cry of a baby taking its first breath! It is unreal. Probably a nightmare to most normal people, but for us, its music to our ears! Haha!
Already we have been given the chance to minister to many women and children, take visits to the local hospital where we will eventually transport our own continuity patients in an emergency, camp out on the beach on Samal Island (ridiculously gorgeous, and the home to any visitors, just a 10min fairy boat ride away from Davao!!). We have gotten to watch and assist with several births, begin taking prenatal, learn a new language, live with the people of Davao, and bond with locals and our supervisor midwives! Things have been busy, busy, busy!!
As for Davao and its people, there is much poverty and desperation here. The other morning, I had left my house at around 8am to go to the clinic and two little boys were outside of the gate picking through heaps of trash on the side of the road. They had no pants on, no shoes on and were looking frantically for something as if it had been waiting there for them and they just needed to find it. I realized later that they were looking for food. They were hungry. That sort of thing is normal here and knowing that we are not here to “save” Davao but to live here, learn and love the people with our whole hearts, and help in any way that we can, almost leaves a feeling of hopelessness sometimes. We can not help every single person and fix every single problem, there are just too many needs, too many desperate eyes and mouths begging for money while you walk in the market…we are all only humans, we too are weak, with the same needs, maybe not the same physical and financial needs, but emotional needs. We all need to feel and know that we are loved. We need to feel wanted and to know that someone cares about the way we feel inside. We need to be seen and heard. We need to know that we are forgiven and set free!
All we know is how to give Jesus. To walk in His Spirit. To pour Him into others and to live and move in Him, in His promises and His Kingdom, one that does not look like this world, but is brought down to this earth so the King can be revealed. To introduce them to the King that gives beauty for ashes and strength for fear, gladness for mourning and peace for despair! And He knows how to do and give everything else…even the needs that we cant see.
Many of us students spent the first few nights crying ourselves to sleep because of the overwhelming compassion that weighed on our hearts, that we didn’t even know we were capable of feeling with our own limited, self-seeking hearts. We didn’t know we could love a people so much that it physically hurt. Jesus has been breaking our hearts for His people. To truly see them. To look at them with His eyes, hear them with His ears and speak to them with His voice. It has changed us forever, and this is only the beginning.
But even in the midst of the suffering, there is a great, deep abiding joy in their spirits. They are filled with light and they love freely. We have been transformed by them, not just by their perseverance in hardships, but the overflowing love and hope that spills from their hearts. They are strong, and steadfast. They love their God, and they have taught us in everyway that no matter what another person has said or done to you, you are to love them. Simply because God says so!
They have welcomed us into their country with open arms and have made us feel at home! They are hilarious and fun and even after an emotionally hard day, with hearing certain phrases 10000000x a day, such as, “MAAYONG BUNTAG PUTI!” (Good Morning white lady!!) and “Maaaam, do you have a bana ? (husband) Can I be yours?” You cant help but smile to yourself and laugh with wonder why the Lord would ever choose YOU to do this, here, on the other side of the world! Haha! He is the God of surprises!! And His joy is our strength! There hasn’t been a day that goes by that the Filipinos have not taught us how to laugh at life and never to take yourself too seriously!
But to laugh and love and honor God and your neighbor before yourself and to eat as many fried, sugar-rolled bananas as you can before you die!

Where Do I begin??

MAAYONG UDTO!!
Thank you so much to all who have supported me and are continuing to support and pray for me! No words could ever describe how blessed I feel! I have been showered with nothing but love the last month and I will never forget it. I know that even when I do feel alone, I am not alone, but the Body of Christ is one! We have eachother to lean on, to cry on, to laugh with and rejoice with. The love is overwhelming! Know how much I love you all and I will try my best to keep you updated with pictures and journal entries. Well here I am Lord! Living in Davao City in the beautiful Philippines.A place I never thought I would be living for two years, if you asked me 4 years ago! I should know by now that you are a God of surprises, just when I think Im going left, you tell me to right, flip a u-turn and drive off the cliff.

The journey here...well lets just say, that it has completely thrown every single one of my expectations out the window. I never knew the trials and tribulations and heartbreak that I was walking into...and yet... I have been set free. My heart has been healed in the breaking, and the Lord has become greater in the trials and tribulations. makes alot of sense right?!? haha. Im not sure if it has really hit me yet. I see my flesh and it is crying out for something other then this, this is painful, and yet I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am where the Lord has put me. I left the man I love. I left the family and friends I know and love. And it hurts. But I know that Jesus's joy comes in the morning. I know that his mercy and grace is enough. It covers my mistakes, my short commings and failures. And He gets to be God once again. He has brought me to a valley...
This has been the hardest, lonliest, most challenging, painful time in my life. I feel my flesh being seperated from my spirit. I can feel my heart breaking in pieces and in places I never knew could break. I feel at times that I have no hope, no freedom, no more love, no more life inside me. Dry, and broken before God. The God that created the very girl that sits and weeps at His feet hungary for Him, needing Him, dying without Him. I know it sounds crazy, haha but I had NO IDEA what I was in for! I am dying right now. really and truly there is a death taking place. BUT I know that there will be a resurection!! and I hope soon! haha. cause it hurts! I didnt know when Jesus said, "You must take up your cross my daughter and follow me..." that he litteraly meant a cross! I can feel my cross, its big and has splinters and sits heavy. I see my flesh and sin hanging down from it, sometimes dangling right above my head. To where its all I can see. But I know that He is able, He is faithful to complete this work in me. I know that this pain wont last forever. I cry most of the day everyday. Cry with laughter, with joy, with grief and grieving being away from everyone I know and love, cry with the pain of dying to my flesh and what I really want, with compassion for the people, with lonliness and with no other reason then to cry and cry hard!

This really has been so so so so hard. haha I dont know what else to say! I can either tell the Lord that its too painful and go home to the man I love, to the family I love and be comfortable again and continue with the same prayer "Lord, I want to serve you and give you everything" Or I can embrace the pain, run with it, cry with it and let the Lord strip me, day by day, hour by hour, minute by mintue and let him make me into a servent. Embrace the lonliness and stop running from it and let Him find me in it. My biggest fear, biggest fear biggest FEAR..is to be alone. And here I am, in a valley and the thing I fear the most has come. My heart rejoices, only for the fact that He is working in me. working and working and yet I tremble trying to grasp on to the girls with me and yet, they slip through my fingers. No one is left but Him. Me and Him. Him and I. dancing in the valley of bones. My head on His chest, my feet on his feet, slow dancing. as I cry and tell him why I am afraid to be alone. and then I realize, that I am not alone forever, but in this season it is needed. so that I come to know our God. Our God that led His people into the dessert only to set himself up to be glorified. only to take care of them and provide for them. only so they would come to need Him with every fiber of their being. Only to be our food and water and shelter. He is my only food, water and shelter here. I am naked and broken and thirsty and hungry, and yet...here He is....haha doing a work in me I never thought possible.
I never thought possible. ever. never. No one told me it would hurt like this haha! I had no idea!! but yet my soul is filled with a knowing, not even peace or joy yet...but a KNOWING. That I KNOW Jesus. I know my God. HE is GOOD. HE is FAITHFUL. HE is HOLY and STEADFAST. HE is GENTLE. HE does not condemn. He does not leave us in the valley forever. He forgives and forgets. HE lOVES even the worst and ugliest and weakest of us! I KNOW these things. Even when I can not fathom them. cant even recall why or how I know them, Yet... I KNOW. He is JESUS. HE is the one that takes us and carries us to the Father, and lays us at the alter when we cant walk. JESUS. JESUS. He is the answer to it all...all...everything. All our needs as humans.
We are such desperate people. We need Him.

There is so much need here. So much. mostly spiritual. I see people walking around, living without a clue of who the one that loves them is. It kills me. I have never seen such a hunger in poeple. they want Jesus. I want Jesus. We all have no where to turn but up. Up to Him. to fix our eyes on HIM.
He is at work! To say the least! My heart rejoices in the pain because I know He will get all the Glory. He will get all the praise and His name will be above all other names. JESUS.

FATHER,

Where You go I go
What You say I say
What You pray I pray


Jesus only did, What he saw you do
He would only say, What he heard you speak
He would only move, When he felt you lead
Following your heart, Following your spirit

How could I expect to walk without you
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I would not begin to live without you
For you alone are worthy you are always good

You are always good
You are always good
Always good
Always good


Though the world seems to forget
We will not forget
Who you are and what you've done for us

You are my God

Dear Lord,

Give me steadfastness...quicken me to Your Spirit. Fill me so I can continue to pour out to Your people.

Father....

Hi Lord! I dont know what you are up to but I can't wait to see! I know you are faithful...and hilarious.
Tiff and Bri had another wedding day set back (once again. Tiff got her dress! (absolutly stunning!) I am living back home. I sold my car and all belongings! (living off the land) You are putting more abortion practitioners in my way that you want to touch and minister to. Mexico is calling. Book reviews need to be done. work is work. Im absolutly boy crazy...yet "unavailable". Juvenille Hall is bearing more fruit now than ever. Plenty of Babies need to be born. Jordan is going to start cutting mohs. Shane kicks serious butt as His volleyball games and I want to make all of them. Linus and meesha peed on all the few belongings Tiff and I have left (they are so cute, and I will kill them someday) I leave in 3 months, which feels like 3 years, and Am as ready as I'll ever be, and yet I have to continue living each day as you wish, here in the States. One day at a time...

My heart is overwhelmed.



For the Lord is faithful and loving in all He does.



He appoints and establishes. He tears down and rebuilds.



He raises up the weary and humbles the proud.



He heals the broken and cleanses the diseased.



He lifts up the oppressed and Fathers the fatherless.



He is all understanding and all compassionate.



He is slow to anger and rich in kindness.



He stores up, sets up and sets out for the one that is lost.



He is all loving, all powerful, all majestic.



He is all reality.



He is the substance that sustains us and the food that feeds our souls.



In Him there is no darkness, no lies, no games.



He is the truth, the way, and the light.



He is Him that has created and breathed life into every being.



In Him there are no mistakes, no trip ups, no weaknesses.



He is the Divine Artist of all artists.



He is the Designer and Father of all life in all its forms.



He forgives the sinner and rejoices over the returned.



He honors His elderly and blesses His little ones.



He weeps with the mourning and laughs with the joyful.



He is the Hope to the Hopeless and the Eyes to the Blind.



He eats with sinners and meets them in their shame.



He gives abundant Life, Love, Liberty and Freedom.



He sent His son to bridge the Gap, to take the blame of all sin, to set the captives free.



He is the husband to the husbandless and the brother to the brother less.



He befriends the friendless and visits the lonely.



He arrives to stay, and lives to arrive.



He is the Prince of Peace.



He is the King of Kings.



He is the light of the world, and darkness cannot comprehend Him.



He died for our sins, and would do it all over again.



And Again.

"Give Thanks to God at all times and for everything." - ephesians 5:20

"We are Children of God, and if Children then Heirs of God."- romans 8:16,17

"Love is Patient. Love is kind. Love is not envious or boastful. Love is not rude.It is not self-seeking." -1corinthians 13:4-5

"Consider Yourselves Dead to Sin and ALIVE IN CHRIST."- Romans 6:11

"God's Spirit dwells in You."- 1Corinthians 3:16

"We have gifts that differ according to the grace given to Us."- Romans 12:6

"God's Temple is Holy, and You are that Temple."- 1Corinthians 3:17

"Whatever you do...do EVERYTHING in the name of the Lord Jesus."- Colossians 3:17

"Just as Christ was RAISED...we too might have a NEW LIFE."- Romans 6:4

"My Grace is sufficiant for You. For My power is made Perfect in Weakness." -2corinthians 12:9

"Bear with one another and forgive each other."- colossians 3:13

Goodbye party...coming soon!!

From the highest of the Heavens to ends of the Earth....from the East to the West, North and South....no Country, no continent, no city no state...no village. No tribe. No language. No person young and old. Neverending....never lacking....no stopping or hindering....no height, no depth, no darkness no suffering or sadness....no rejection...no abuse...no disaster....no sickness...no death....no depression or sin....no sin.....can EVER seperate US from the LOVE of GOD.

To do? or not to do?

To Do....list.

-find a new home for Kengi C. Duffy (my car)

-move out of my apartment and back in with mom and pop, meesha and linus. (april ya'll!!)

-sell my furniture and belongings :(

-buy my books $!!

-deliver more babes in the process :)

-make money money make! $

-and praise Jesus....

Father God,
I ask that you have your way Lord. Your COMPLETE and PERFECT will in my life. Take me Lord....Im yours...my heart...my spirit and mind, my will...my fears and weakness...my expectaions and my dreams...I lay them down..once again...I love you Father. I thirst for you, for what you want..to submit to you my Father. Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy on my life and everyone around me. Use me Lord. Use me. Im Yours my God.
God is God and I am not, I can only see a part of the picture He's painting...